


Remind me how it used to be

by lanseloet



Category: Clean Bandit (Band), Years & Years (Band)
Genre: Fix-It, M/M, Post-brits
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-03-14
Updated: 2016-03-14
Packaged: 2018-05-26 16:20:03
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,671
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/6246997
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/lanseloet/pseuds/lanseloet
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Olly visits Neil after the brit awards and they become quite emotional.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Remind me how it used to be

**Author's Note:**

> I felt inspired to write after the brits and this little fic happened. This is a work of fiction etc, please don't share it with the people mentioned in this fic. Title taken from Taylor Swift's How You Get The Girl
> 
> A huge huge huge thank you to Emmy for brit-ing and beta-ing this, it wouldn't be nearly as good without your help :) 
> 
> Feel free to comment on this if you want to <3

Olly’s about to jump an uber to the next BRITs after party when he receives Neil’s text. He stops to read it, braces himself for another fight because that’s all they’d been doing lately. Neil was bitter and Olly understood why. When he opens the message, he reads something much sweeter.

 

_Sorry u didnt win x_

 

Part of Olly wonders if Neil’s got drunk too, even though he usually didn’t drink much. Or if something else had happened to make Neil’s mood so much lighter. Suddenly Olly doesn’t want to go to the next party anymore. He taps the others on the shoulder and tells him he won’t come along. Then, he texts Neil. Wonders if he should add an ‘x’ at the end. He deletes it and adds it again, a few times but when he remembers Neil put one at the end of his he leaves it there.

 

_Can I come over? x_

 

Olly’s heart starts beating faster when he sees the reply.

 

_Always_

 

He catches a cab and is annoyed with how long it’s taking the driver to get across London to Neil’s. Although, he reasons, maybe it just feels like it’s taking too long. He’s just so nervously excited that Neil wants to see him again. He’s missed him so much. When the cab finally arrives at Neil’s, Olly pays the driver hurriedly and rushes to the door. His hands shake a little when he rings Neil’s buzzer. I used to have a key, he thinks sadly to himself but loses his thoughts when Neil opens the door.

Neil looks surprised to see him, like he can’t actually believe Olly’s real. “Hey,” He says and smiles a little. “Come inside, it’s cold out there.” He reaches for Olly’s arm before dropping his hand down and stepping aside. Neither of them seemed very good at knowing how to behave around each other now they aren’t together anymore.

 

“Hey,” Olly says, biting his lip as he steps inside Neil’s flat. Neil closes the door behind him and then they just stand there awkwardly for a moment. It’s not that they don’t have anything to say to each other, they just don’t know what to say first.

 

After what feels like hours Neil finally speaks up, “You deserved to win those awards,” His voice is soft and gentle. Olly lets out a sob. Suddenly it’s all too much for him.

 

“Sorry.” He says, his hands shake a little as he tries to wipe away his tears.

 

“It’s okay,” Neil says. He hesitates for a moment but then gently wraps his arms around Olly. Holds him close against his chest and rubs his back in the way he knows always calms Olly down.

 

Olly feels so safe in Neil’s arms, just being here with him is calming him down again. The fact that Neil was willing to see him blows his mind but he isn’t going to take it for granted. There’s no other place Olly wants to be right now, not after tonight and not while Neil is here being like his his Neil again, gentle and loving. Once Olly has calmed down enough, Neil takes his hand and leads him into the lounge. They sit down on his sofa, not too much space between them. They both seem to have a need to be close, even after everything that’s happened between them.

 

Olly wonders if he should broach their break-up but he doesn’t want to ruin the peace they seem to have between them tonight. Then again, he knows they should talk. Clear things up and either fix things or move on. Because what they’re doing right now isn’t working. It’s like they are in limbo and Olly’s not sure he’s handling it particularly well.

* * *

 

If he could have things his way, Neil would stay here forever. Having Olly near him, having Olly wanting to be here with him, is so calming and so wonderful. He’s missed this so much, no matter how much he tried to deny it. Neil’s not sure he knows how to function without Olly anymore. The past few months have been so messy. Yes, he’s been angry with Olly and sad and very bitter but mostly he was just frustrated and hurt at Olly giving up on them. Angry because Olly stopped trying and Neil still wanted to try because he loved, and loves, Olly more than anything. Bitter because Olly seemed to have moved on so easily.

 

Neil knows he hasn’t been mature over it, maybe has even hurt Olly with his behaviour but seeing a picture of Olly with some other bloke nearly killed him. He doesn’t know how to stop being fucking heartbroken. Though he feels stupid, because he no longer has a right to claim Olly anymore. Olly’s not his, he didn’t want to be Neil’s anymore. That’s what killed Neil the most.

 

He wonders whether to bring it up tonight, as Olly’s already pretty upset. Maybe now wasn’t the right time? But he needs them to fix this, at least in a way that they can be friends or something again because not having Olly in his life is horrible and Neil can’t stand it.

 

Neil can see Olly is becoming visibly more and more stressed. He can see him overthinking, opening and closing his mouth as if trying to speak. To the point he starts crying. He tries to avoid looking at Neil, tries to hide his shaking hands but Neil sees right through him.

 

Neil reaches out to Olly slowly and holds his hands in his. “What’s wrong, Olls?” he says softly. Seeing Olly so upset worries him, he can’t help it. Even if Olly isn’t his anymore, he’ll always want to protect him.

 

“I’m sorry,” Olly says, voice shaking. “I’m totally spoiling this.”

 

“It’s okay.” Neil says soothingly. So gently that Olly wonders what he did to deserve this. He smashed Neil’s heart into pieces and he is still so lovely to him.

 

“I ruined us.” Olly cries. “I’m sorry.”

 

Neil doesn’t know what to say for a moment. He doesn’t want to mess things up further by using the wrong words. Olly takes his silence as something else though, and starts to get up. Readying himself to leave.

 

“Sorry,” he says again, “I’ll just go.” He starts to walk away.

 

“Please stay.” Neil hears himself beg and gets up. Olly stops. “I don’t want you to leave again, please?” Neil’s lips quiver and Olly steps closer. He reaches out and touches Neil. First his arm, then his chest and then his face as if he can’t quite believe that this is real. All of the emotions Neil has been attempting to hide the last few months come out all at once and he bursts into tears.

 

Olly wraps his arms around Neil’s body and presses his head against Neil’s chest. Neil puts one arm around Olly’s waist and uses his other to hold Olly’s head. The closeness is everything they’ve been craving lately.

 

“I miss you.” Neil whispers. “So much.”

 

“I miss you too.” Olly says, “I’m so sorry.” He sobs.

 

“Let’s sit down.” Neil says softly, rubbing Olly’s back. Olly nods, not letting Neil go.

 

Olly curls up against Neil on the sofa, resting his hand on Neil’s chest. They both need to keep on being close, keep each other grounded. There is still pain between them and lots of things they need to discuss. Unlike before though, Neil has hope. And so does Olly. Unlike before, it seems like they can work through this. That all it isn’t lost. They find themselves wanting each other still, loving each other still.

 

“I’m really sorry, you know?” Olly says quietly. “Please believe me?”

 

Neil voice shakes, “I believe you but,” he takes a deep breath, “you really hurt me. Seeing you with someone else….was horrible.” His face hardens and Olly is desperate, absolutely desperate to soften it again.

 

“I never should have done that.” Olly cries. He looks at Neil’s face but Neil looks away.

 

“You just.” Neil swallowed, trying to get rid of some of the bitterness before continuing to speak, “You just left me, no real reason given. And then someone sends me a picture of you kissing some bloke while on tour.” His hands start shaking and tears drop down his face. “Why couldn’t you just tell me?” He looks at Olly with disbelief.

 

“I was scared and I felt guilty and ashamed.” Olly looks so small. “You have every right to hate me.”

 

Neil shakes his head, “I don’t hate you, I could never hate you even though I really tried to.” He reaches out and touches Olly’s face, “I was just so hurt by you.” He sobs.

 

“I would do anything to go back and change it,” Olly says and Neil knows he is telling the truth. “I would do anything to fix things between us.” He gives Neil a hopeful look.

 

“I want to fix things too,” Neil says slowly, hesitates before continuing as though he is scared, “I am not okay without you here.”

 

“I’m not okay without you either.” Olly bites his lip, strokes Neil’s cheek, “Can you kiss me?” He smiles nervously.

 

His nerves disappear as Neil smiles back at him and closes the space between them. First Neil pecks Olly’s lips lightly, then he deepens the kiss. Olly wraps his hands around Neil’s neck and smiles.

 

When they let go, Olly presses his forehead against Neil’s. “I’ve missed this,” He whispers.

 

Neil runs his hand through Olly’s hair, “I’ve missed this too.” He bites his lip, then kisses Olly again.

 

They continue like that for a while, kissing and saying how much they’ve missed each other. Both making sure they touch as much of the other as they can and stay as close as physically possible. It feels so familiar that Olly almost forgets how much space there’s been between them lately. Even before they broke up.

 

Neil had not been… well, for a long time. The strain of touring and missing home and missing Olly had become too much for him. Olly could tell Neil was becoming depressed but he just didn’t know how to help him. Neil was shutting down, retreating into himself. Olly spoke to Neil's family and friends but he had distanced himself from them too. Neil had trouble admitting he had a problem anyway, didn’t want people to know. He kept telling everyone he was fine even when it was more than obvious that he wasn’t.

 

And then, Olly made the worst mistake of his life. He’d been feeling lonely, had fought with Neil on the phone and he had missed having Neil around. He’d gone to some after party hurting and feeling alone and there’d been a guy who was sort of cute. Olly wasn’t really thinking of the consequences, he’d felt anxious, unsettled and drunk too much and had kissed the guy. They’d gone back to the toilets and the guy had given him a blowjob. Olly never asked for his name because it didn’t matter to him.

 

Afterwards he just kept worrying about it, wondering if he should tell Neil or keep it quiet. And he felt so incredibly guilty. He was always going on about guys cheating on him and here he was he’d cheated on someone as amazing as Neil. Because even if things were a bit rough between them, Olly still loved Neil more than anyone or anything and he still thought Neil was the greatest person on earth. In the end he just broke up with Neil, gave him some shite excuse about being away all the time and added on more truthfully he couldn't be what Neil needed to help him. How could he when he let him down like that? He guessed Neil knew it was bullshit but neither of them talked about that. Just promised each other to stay friends, which sort of worked considering Neil's hurt and the mutual physical ache until someone sent Neil a picture of Olly kissing that dude.

 

Olly could understand Neil’s anger, his bitterness and sadness. And Olly understood he deserved every little bit of it. He’d done something awful and then hidden it and he had just hurt Neil so much. Olly got it, he’d been on the receiving end of this so many times. He still couldn't understand why he did it. Why he destroyed the best thing he had ever had. He should’ve known better.

 

“You’ve got that look on your face again.” Neil says suddenly and makes himself small and how Olly hated it when Neil became small, he'd always been big and strong, his man giant. His voice shakes, “the same one you got when you broke up with me.” He looks scared, and fragile mostly. His hands are shaking too and he starts to cry a little no matter how much he is clearly trying to fight it.

 

Olly starts crying too, takes Neil’s hands in his, “I just…I feel so guilty about how I treated you.” He says softly, “and I’m scared that I’ll fuck this up again when I’m off on another stupid tour.” He bites his lips, “and I can’t do that to you again, you deserve so much more than me.”

 

“We’ll just have to figure something out okay?” Neil says determined, “If anything I don’t deserve you but I want to fight for this as long as you want that too, I want to fight for us.” He wraps his arms around Olly and buries his face against his spot Olly’s neck. Inhales the smell of his cologne and then kisses him softly.

 

“I just miss you so much when I’m on tour… it drives me crazy.” Olly says softly, runs a hand through Neil’s hair.

 

“I miss you too, never doubt that please?” Neil almost begs, “I’m not okay when you’re not around and as much as that scares me, it’s true.” He admits. “I know, I’ve got issues… with stuff sometimes and I’m working on it.” He says softly, “I won’t push you away anymore.” He takes a deep breath, “Just be patient with me Olly, I will need more reassurance from you. And I might be irrational or jealous and possessive. But I need you to know that I’ll try as long as you’ll try too.”

 

“As long as we keep on talking when we miss each other  or when something comes up,” Olly takes a deep breath, “we should be fine right?” He smiles.

 

Neil lifts his head and smiles back at Olly, “Yes we should be, if we work together we can do it.” He kisses Olly again. Kising Olly feels so safe, so much like home.  “Please stay the night?” He asks gently. Olly nods and Neil feels like the happiest man alive.

 

Later when they are in Neil’s bed and Olly has his arms wrapped around Neil, it feels so good to touch his skin again and play with his hair. Olly can’t help but wonder how he got so lucky. It’s feels so amazing to be able to be this close to Neil. He never thought Neil would forgive him, let alone take him back. The closeness and being able to touch helps them sleep better than they both have in months.

 

In the morning Neil makes Olly breakfast, prepares his coffee in the way he knows Olly likes best and Olly can’t help but smile stupidly at him. In between they share little kisses and touches, exactly like they used to.

 

“You’re 100% mine again, right?” Olly asks.

 

Neil kisses him and then smiles at him widely, “Yes, as long as you’ll have me.” He holds Olly close and he feels so good. So hopeful in a way he hadn’t before.

 

Olly is no longer sad about losing the Brits, because he won something so much more important. And now that he’s won Neil’s heart back, he’ll never let it go again.


End file.
